Are You Hugging Your Way to Hell?

The Side Hug

"Yes, God wants us to be compassionate and kind and tender with each other... As long as there is no body on body action. I’m talking of course about a “full frontal hug,” one of those sinful abominations where you just wrap your arms around a friend and embrace them. That’s why Christians the world over have pioneered the “side hug.” In the side hug there’s no risk of two crotches touching. Instead of face to face, you go side to side, putting your arm around the person and your hip against their’s."

And apparently god is commanding his devoted followers to renounce the practice of frottage and to sublimate their prurient interest in camel toes, titties, and one-eyed trouser trout. To the blessed ones, a cigar is never just a cigar.